The Eternal Internal Monologue

Hey, Xanga. Long time no see.  Let's do something fun!

Recently, someone asked me what I look for in a girl.  Ok, in reality, no one asked me this.  I asked myself this because I'm a reflective person who talks to myself more than I talk to other people.  But it got me thinking.  What AM I looking for?  Not just in a significant other, but in people in general.  I seem to get along with just about everyone, my friends are very diverse, so it would seem that as far as friends go my specifications are so broad as to be nonexistent.  So what to make of the "lady predicament"?  Let's try some stream of consciousness, and sort it out later!

I want a girl who likes gaming, politics, philosophy, sports, sex, and music as much as I do.  I want a girl who will design a D&D character based on Mary Matalin because I designed mine around James Carville.  I want a girl who is hard enough to kick my ass on the xbox and debate me about college football with no apologies, but is soft enough to be cared for and to care for me in return.  I want a girl who can make fun of me in front of my friends one minute, then gaze at the stars for hours cuddled up with me in some meadow the next.  I want a girl who doesn't worship me, or think that I'm expendable.  I want a girl to recognize that I am special, but also to recognize that I am merely human.  I want a girl who will treat me as an equal, who isn't afraid to voice her opinion, and who never backs down from the things she believes most fiercely.  I want a girl who will challenge me on many levels, and be challenged in return.  I want a girl who will buy me Stephen Hawking figurines for our anniversary, and expect nothing less in return.  I want a girl with a career and aspirations of her own.  I want a girl who is fiercely loyal, but doesn't have to say it.  I want a girl I can spend long periods of time with in complete silence and not have it be awkward for either of us.  I want a girl who is as curious about the Kama Sutra as she is about Jean-Jacques Rousseau.  I want a girl who can enjoy and appreciate Star Trek: The Next Generation and Broadway musicals.  I want a girl who will make me dye my hair just because she wants to know what it would look like, and because she knows deep down that, despite my protests, I'm as curious as she is.  I want a girl who can play a musical intstrument.  Preferrably the viola.  I want a girl I can make out with in front of the TV, but only during the commercials because neither of us wants to miss the Discovery Channel special on Supernovas.  I want a girl I can cook for.  I want a girl I can sing for.  I want a girl who will surprise me with FunDip, but also remember to give me my insulin shots.  Hey, I'm just thinking long-term, here.  I want a girl who complains way too much about being too pale, too fat, too short, or too tall, but at every moment knows just how beautiful I think she really is, and (though she'd never show it) would be tickled every time I told her so.

...But short of all this, I'd take a girl that likes me for me, and expects the same in return.

Upon reflection, what I want isn't a girl at all.  What I want is a woman.  I'm 21 now, I'd better grow accustomed to that terminology.
I once thought that what I wanted was a female version of myself, and maybe that list above supports that idea to some extent, but I've come to realize that that isn't the truth of the matter.  I want someone similar to me in some ways, but significantly unlike me in others.

Do I expect to find a girl that fits that list above?  Of course not.  That's a fantasy.  Those are dreams and wishes and idle fancies, more preferences than necessities.  What I really want is so much more basic than that.  Love, respect, care, humor, passion.  Those are the traits I'm really looking for.

...But the viola wouldn't hurt.

Currently Fable II By Microsoft see related

hm.....

yup, not really sure.

Currently Bat Boy Comfort and Joy see related

Rome wasn't built in a day...but it did burn in a day...

I have been in Rome for a week.

This should be amazing. I should be having loads of fun, adventuring about the city, seeing lots of amazing sights, and generally having a memorable time.

Instead, I wake every morning and immediately think about all of the most painful things in my life.  I go to bed thinking about the same painful things.  It's as though I simply cannot be happy, no matter how hard I try.  I am exhausted from the amount of effort I have put in to take everyone else's advice: "Focus on yourself" "Do things that make you happy" "Don't think about [it]"  Focusing on myself is fundamentally against my own philosophy of life.  What makes me happy is caring for other people, pouring myself out for someone else.  And as hard as I try not to think about [it], [it] invades my thoughts, haunts my dreams, and generally wreaks havoc on my life.

Don't take this to mean that I'm horribly pessimistic, but my optimism has been shaken by [it].  I realize this post is vague and incredibly emo, but it's also blatantly honest.  Well, I suppose not...if it were honest I would share everything, but unfortunately the internet is rarely, if ever, a safe place to do that.

I hope everyone is well back in the states.  I miss you all dearly.

Don't feel like writing at the moment.  I'll just throw up some lyrics that reflect my mood.  Needless to say, I'm struggling.  And I'm on an Eminem stint.  Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.

Eminem- Beautiful

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fuckin' depressed I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick that mic back up I don't know how I pry away
And I ended up in this position I'm in I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen Up and tried to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit Or come to grips, with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet I know some shits so hard to swallow, But I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes.

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me So I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation
Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need fucking man servant
Tryin to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like:
"Ahh Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn"
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
But take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait but I know to unpack his bags
Never sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
Every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me
"Keep making that face till it gets stuck like that"
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue up trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tongue on the frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
Cause where you see it from where you're sitting
It's probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet

[Chorus]
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to

Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone...
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news...I leave for Rome in 7 days.  I honestly wish I were more excited than I am, but it's hard to get pumped up when everything else seems to be tearing you apart...sorry for the emo post...nah, on second thought, I'm not sorry.

My Dream

So I had a dream 2 nights ago that was so weird I had to share.  So Tom Hanks and I were preparing to go into space together.  Our spacecraft was a piano, which was also a casket.  Tom Hanks and I had to carry this...contraption...everywhere we went.  Our launch site was the dining room of my family's house, or more specifically, the front left corner of the dining room. (I know, wtf, right?)  However, we had delays because a girl that I am marginally acquainted with was sitting on the floor watching a small TV that was on the floor as well.  We ended up leaving the house at one point, and it turns out that the house, while identical to my family's house on the inside, is totally different on the outside.  This house sat on a cliffside overlooking the ocean (facing west, because the sun was setting) and instead of a yard, this house was situated on the edge of a huge gravel parking lot.  Hundreds of cars were just starting to show up for something completely different, and groups of people were walking past me.  That is all that I remember.  It was strange.

In other news...

NEXT SEMESTER'S SCHEDULE!

Poetry- MWF 10:30-11:20
Italian 201- MWF 12:30-1:20
Habermas and the Public Sphere- WF 1:30-2:45
Cincinnati History and Politics/Governing Cincinnati- W 6:00-8:30
Christian Ethics: Methods and Questions- TR 8:30-9:45
Civil Rights and Civil Liberties- TR 10:00-11:15

I'm excited.  Except for the part where I graduate in a year...pretty terrified of that.