Currently Bat Boy Comfort and Joy see related

Rome wasn't built in a day...but it did burn in a day...

I have been in Rome for a week.

This should be amazing. I should be having loads of fun, adventuring about the city, seeing lots of amazing sights, and generally having a memorable time.

Instead, I wake every morning and immediately think about all of the most painful things in my life.  I go to bed thinking about the same painful things.  It's as though I simply cannot be happy, no matter how hard I try.  I am exhausted from the amount of effort I have put in to take everyone else's advice: "Focus on yourself" "Do things that make you happy" "Don't think about [it]"  Focusing on myself is fundamentally against my own philosophy of life.  What makes me happy is caring for other people, pouring myself out for someone else.  And as hard as I try not to think about [it], [it] invades my thoughts, haunts my dreams, and generally wreaks havoc on my life.

Don't take this to mean that I'm horribly pessimistic, but my optimism has been shaken by [it].  I realize this post is vague and incredibly emo, but it's also blatantly honest.  Well, I suppose not...if it were honest I would share everything, but unfortunately the internet is rarely, if ever, a safe place to do that.

I hope everyone is well back in the states.  I miss you all dearly.

Don't feel like writing at the moment.  I'll just throw up some lyrics that reflect my mood.  Needless to say, I'm struggling.  And I'm on an Eminem stint.  Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.

Eminem- Beautiful

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fuckin' depressed I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick that mic back up I don't know how I pry away
And I ended up in this position I'm in I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen Up and tried to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit Or come to grips, with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet I know some shits so hard to swallow, But I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes.

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me So I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation
Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need fucking man servant
Tryin to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like:
"Ahh Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn"
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
But take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait but I know to unpack his bags
Never sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
Every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me
"Keep making that face till it gets stuck like that"
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue up trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tongue on the frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
Cause where you see it from where you're sitting
It's probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet

[Chorus]
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to

Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone...
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news...I leave for Rome in 7 days.  I honestly wish I were more excited than I am, but it's hard to get pumped up when everything else seems to be tearing you apart...sorry for the emo post...nah, on second thought, I'm not sorry.

My Dream

So I had a dream 2 nights ago that was so weird I had to share.  So Tom Hanks and I were preparing to go into space together.  Our spacecraft was a piano, which was also a casket.  Tom Hanks and I had to carry this...contraption...everywhere we went.  Our launch site was the dining room of my family's house, or more specifically, the front left corner of the dining room. (I know, wtf, right?)  However, we had delays because a girl that I am marginally acquainted with was sitting on the floor watching a small TV that was on the floor as well.  We ended up leaving the house at one point, and it turns out that the house, while identical to my family's house on the inside, is totally different on the outside.  This house sat on a cliffside overlooking the ocean (facing west, because the sun was setting) and instead of a yard, this house was situated on the edge of a huge gravel parking lot.  Hundreds of cars were just starting to show up for something completely different, and groups of people were walking past me.  That is all that I remember.  It was strange.

In other news...

NEXT SEMESTER'S SCHEDULE!

Poetry- MWF 10:30-11:20
Italian 201- MWF 12:30-1:20
Habermas and the Public Sphere- WF 1:30-2:45
Cincinnati History and Politics/Governing Cincinnati- W 6:00-8:30
Christian Ethics: Methods and Questions- TR 8:30-9:45
Civil Rights and Civil Liberties- TR 10:00-11:15

I'm excited.  Except for the part where I graduate in a year...pretty terrified of that.

Currently Calendar Days By The Rocket Summer see related

End of Spring Break...curses!

So for the past week I have been on Spring Break, and I have actually felt good.  Maybe it was the nicer weather, or the lack of homework, or the separation from certain people who bring pain and suffering into my life, but I felt happy for most of break.  This was despite doing pretty much nothing but rehearse every night and work every day, and sleep for way too long.  And I HATE sleeping for too long, it makes me feel like a bum and I feel like sleeping is a waste of time when I could be doing something more fun, constructive, or valuable with my time.  In any case, all of this came to a close today with the end of Spring Break, and for some reason my good moods gave way to depression again yesterday.  I can't explain it, but all of the sudden it's like I'm determined to be in the worst mood possible, try as I might to change my outlook.

I have now been off of my asthma medication for over 2 weeks, and it's really starting to affect me.  Last night I woke up several times during the night and needed to use my inhaler very badly.  It sucks and I want it to be gone.

The show went very well this weekend, but it is absolutely exhausting and drained every ounce of energy from my body.  I'm looking forward to having people I know actually come see me, because I must admit that it wears on me after every show, seeing the other cast members with friends and family, hugging, shaking hands, getting congratulations, while I just wait around and then change clothes and leave.

I hate this, I've been happy for a week now, why all of the sudden do I have to feel like shit?  I've tried everything I know to get over it, but I can't, and its frustrating and makes me feel powerless over my own psyche.  It, combined with outside stress and, is infuriating and makes me want to lash out at people, which I then feel guilty for because I don't want to lash out at people, because I know it's not heir fault (well, MOST of the time, anyway...)

Anyways, I'm rambling and being whiny again, and I'm sure that must get boring for everyone.  I would love to actually talk about this crap with someone who genuinely cared and wanted to help me fix it...Oh yeah, I used to have a person like that in my life, until I got replaced.  Not that I'm bitter.  Nah, fuck it, I'm bitter as hell and I don't care who knows it.

I remain optimistic that I will someday be myself again and post thing that are actually interesting, insightful, and non-depresssing, rather than drag down the very people that I care about most.

Currently The Forbidden Kingdom - Original Motion Picture Score see related

So this Spring Break has been a bust.  I've managed to do NOTHING fun over break, mostly thanks to spending 5-6 hours a day at rehearsal (including the time it takes to drive there, which is signinficant).  But I'm glad we have a good show to put on.  Any time not spent at rehearsal I have spent at work or working on school stuff or trying to relax in between.  I'm actually looking forward to goint back to classes Monday, in no small part because I get to hang out with people I never get to hang out with, which I am totally pumped for.  I can't wait until this show is over, I will have so much more time on my hands...except for workshop rehearsals...and the private dinner concert I just got roped into for one of our wealthy LTC supporters...  

In any case, I'm happily detached from the main thorn in my life at the moment, and the separation is doing me good (I think).  And hopefully I've moved on enough to deal with it for the rest of the semester, and the summer too (I would hate for my Rome trip to be marred by depression and anxiety).

Spring approaches!!! The warm weather and fresh air are doing me good, as I am in much higher spirits lately and overall just feeling better.  I can't wait to hang out in Eden Park and spend a night sleeping on my roof under the night sky (sadly dissapointing here in Norwood, big surprise).

I hope everyone is having a good week!