| | So for the past week I have been on Spring Break, and I have actually felt good. Maybe it was the nicer weather, or the lack of homework, or the separation from certain people who bring pain and suffering into my life, but I felt happy for most of break. This was despite doing pretty much nothing but rehearse every night and work every day, and sleep for way too long. And I HATE sleeping for too long, it makes me feel like a bum and I feel like sleeping is a waste of time when I could be doing something more fun, constructive, or valuable with my time. In any case, all of this came to a close today with the end of Spring Break, and for some reason my good moods gave way to depression again yesterday. I can't explain it, but all of the sudden it's like I'm determined to be in the worst mood possible, try as I might to change my outlook. I have now been off of my asthma medication for over 2 weeks, and it's really starting to affect me. Last night I woke up several times during the night and needed to use my inhaler very badly. It sucks and I want it to be gone. The show went very well this weekend, but it is absolutely exhausting and drained every ounce of energy from my body. I'm looking forward to having people I know actually come see me, because I must admit that it wears on me after every show, seeing the other cast members with friends and family, hugging, shaking hands, getting congratulations, while I just wait around and then change clothes and leave. I hate this, I've been happy for a week now, why all of the sudden do I have to feel like shit? I've tried everything I know to get over it, but I can't, and its frustrating and makes me feel powerless over my own psyche. It, combined with outside stress and, is infuriating and makes me want to lash out at people, which I then feel guilty for because I don't want to lash out at people, because I know it's not heir fault (well, MOST of the time, anyway...) Anyways, I'm rambling and being whiny again, and I'm sure that must get boring for everyone. I would love to actually talk about this crap with someone who genuinely cared and wanted to help me fix it...Oh yeah, I used to have a person like that in my life, until I got replaced. Not that I'm bitter. Nah, fuck it, I'm bitter as hell and I don't care who knows it. I remain optimistic that I will someday be myself again and post thing that are actually interesting, insightful, and non-depresssing, rather than drag down the very people that I care about most. |
