bomberactor0664's Xanga

The Eternal Internal Monologue

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 07:53:40 GMT

Hey, Xanga. Long time no see. Let's do something fun!

Recently, someone asked me what I look for in a girl. Ok, in reality, no one asked me this. I asked myself this because I'm a reflective person who talks to myself more than I talk to other people. But it got me thinking. What AM I looking for? Not just in a significant other, but in people in general. I seem to get along with just about everyone, my friends are very diverse, so it would seem that as far as friends go my specifications are so broad as to be nonexistent. So what to make of the "lady predicament"? Let's try some stream of consciousness, and sort it out later!

I want a girl who likes gaming, politics, philosophy, sports, sex, and music as much as I do. I want a girl who will design a D&D character based on Mary Matalin because I designed mine around James Carville. I want a girl who is hard enough to kick my ass on the xbox and debate me about college football with no apologies, but is soft enough to be cared for and to care for me in return. I want a girl who can make fun of me in front of my friends one minute, then gaze at the stars for hours cuddled up with me in some meadow the next. I want a girl who doesn't worship me, or think that I'm expendable. I want a girl to recognize that I am special, but also to recognize that I am merely human. I want a girl who will treat me as an equal, who isn't afraid to voice her opinion, and who never backs down from the things she believes most fiercely. I want a girl who will challenge me on many levels, and be challenged in return. I want a girl who will buy me Stephen Hawking figurines for our anniversary, and expect nothing less in return. I want a girl with a career and aspirations of her own. I want a girl who is fiercely loyal, but doesn't have to say it. I want a girl I can spend long periods of time with in complete silence and not have it be awkward for either of us. I want a girl who is as curious about the Kama Sutra as she is about Jean-Jacques Rousseau. I want a girl who can enjoy and appreciate Star Trek: The Next Generation and Broadway musicals. I want a girl who will make me dye my hair just because she wants to know what it would look like, and because she knows deep down that, despite my protests, I'm as curious as she is. I want a girl who can play a musical intstrument. Preferrably the viola. I want a girl I can make out with in front of the TV, but only during the commercials because neither of us wants to miss the Discovery Channel special on Supernovas. I want a girl I can cook for. I want a girl I can sing for. I want a girl who will surprise me with FunDip, but also remember to give me my insulin shots. Hey, I'm just thinking long-term, here. I want a girl who complains way too much about being too pale, too fat, too short, or too tall, but at every moment knows just how beautiful I think she really is, and (though she'd never show it) would be tickled every time I told her so.

...But short of all this, I'd take a girl that likes me for me, and expects the same in return.

Upon reflection, what I want isn't a girl at all. What I want is a woman. I'm 21 now, I'd better grow accustomed to that terminology.
I once thought that what I wanted was a female version of myself, and maybe that list above supports that idea to some extent, but I've come to realize that that isn't the truth of the matter. I want someone similar to me in some ways, but significantly unlike me in others.

Do I expect to find a girl that fits that list above? Of course not. That's a fantasy. Those are dreams and wishes and idle fancies, more preferences than necessities. What I really want is so much more basic than that. Love, respect, care, humor, passion. Those are the traits I'm really looking for.

...But the viola wouldn't hurt.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 18:26:17 GMT

hm.....

yup, not really sure.

Rome wasn't built in a day...but it did burn in a day...

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 12:55:33 GMT

I have been in Rome for a week.

This should be amazing. I should be having loads of fun, adventuring about the city, seeing lots of amazing sights, and generally having a memorable time.

Instead, I wake every morning and immediately think about all of the most painful things in my life. I go to bed thinking about the same painful things. It's as though I simply cannot be happy, no matter how hard I try. I am exhausted from the amount of effort I have put in to take everyone else's advice: "Focus on yourself" "Do things that make you happy" "Don't think about [it]" Focusing on myself is fundamentally against my own philosophy of life. What makes me happy is caring for other people, pouring myself out for someone else. And as hard as I try not to think about [it], [it] invades my thoughts, haunts my dreams, and generally wreaks havoc on my life.

Don't take this to mean that I'm horribly pessimistic, but my optimism has been shaken by [it]. I realize this post is vague and incredibly emo, but it's also blatantly honest. Well, I suppose not...if it were honest I would share everything, but unfortunately the internet is rarely, if ever, a safe place to do that.

I hope everyone is well back in the states. I miss you all dearly.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Mon, 25 May 2009 16:38:00 GMT

Don't feel like writing at the moment. I'll just throw up some lyrics that reflect my mood. Needless to say, I'm struggling. And I'm on an Eminem stint. Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.

Eminem- Beautiful

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fuckin' depressed I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick that mic back up I don't know how I pry away
And I ended up in this position I'm in I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen Up and tried to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit Or come to grips, with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet I know some shits so hard to swallow, But I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes.

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me So I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation
Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need fucking man servant
Tryin to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like:
"Ahh Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn"
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
But take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait but I know to unpack his bags
Never sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
Every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me
"Keep making that face till it gets stuck like that"
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue up trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tongue on the frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
Cause where you see it from where you're sitting
It's probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet

[Chorus]
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to

Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you.

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone...
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news...I leave for Rome in 7 days. I honestly wish I were more excited than I am, but it's hard to get pumped up when everything else seems to be tearing you apart...sorry for the emo post...nah, on second thought, I'm not sorry.

My Dream

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 22:02:40 GMT

So I had a dream 2 nights ago that was so weird I had to share. So Tom Hanks and I were preparing to go into space together. Our spacecraft was a piano, which was also a casket. Tom Hanks and I had to carry this...contraption...everywhere we went. Our launch site was the dining room of my family's house, or more specifically, the front left corner of the dining room. (I know, wtf, right?) However, we had delays because a girl that I am marginally acquainted with was sitting on the floor watching a small TV that was on the floor as well. We ended up leaving the house at one point, and it turns out that the house, while identical to my family's house on the inside, is totally different on the outside. This house sat on a cliffside overlooking the ocean (facing west, because the sun was setting) and instead of a yard, this house was situated on the edge of a huge gravel parking lot. Hundreds of cars were just starting to show up for something completely different, and groups of people were walking past me. That is all that I remember. It was strange.

In other news...

NEXT SEMESTER'S SCHEDULE!

Poetry- MWF 10:30-11:20
Italian 201- MWF 12:30-1:20
Habermas and the Public Sphere- WF 1:30-2:45
Cincinnati History and Politics/Governing Cincinnati- W 6:00-8:30
Christian Ethics: Methods and Questions- TR 8:30-9:45
Civil Rights and Civil Liberties- TR 10:00-11:15

I'm excited. Except for the part where I graduate in a year...pretty terrified of that.

End of Spring Break...curses!

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 04:11:39 GMT

So for the past week I have been on Spring Break, and I have actually felt good. Maybe it was the nicer weather, or the lack of homework, or the separation from certain people who bring pain and suffering into my life, but I felt happy for most of break. This was despite doing pretty much nothing but rehearse every night and work every day, and sleep for way too long. And I HATE sleeping for too long, it makes me feel like a bum and I feel like sleeping is a waste of time when I could be doing something more fun, constructive, or valuable with my time. In any case, all of this came to a close today with the end of Spring Break, and for some reason my good moods gave way to depression again yesterday. I can't explain it, but all of the sudden it's like I'm determined to be in the worst mood possible, try as I might to change my outlook.

I have now been off of my asthma medication for over 2 weeks, and it's really starting to affect me. Last night I woke up several times during the night and needed to use my inhaler very badly. It sucks and I want it to be gone.

The show went very well this weekend, but it is absolutely exhausting and drained every ounce of energy from my body. I'm looking forward to having people I know actually come see me, because I must admit that it wears on me after every show, seeing the other cast members with friends and family, hugging, shaking hands, getting congratulations, while I just wait around and then change clothes and leave.

I hate this, I've been happy for a week now, why all of the sudden do I have to feel like shit? I've tried everything I know to get over it, but I can't, and its frustrating and makes me feel powerless over my own psyche. It, combined with outside stress and, is infuriating and makes me want to lash out at people, which I then feel guilty for because I don't want to lash out at people, because I know it's not heir fault (well, MOST of the time, anyway...)

Anyways, I'm rambling and being whiny again, and I'm sure that must get boring for everyone. I would love to actually talk about this crap with someone who genuinely cared and wanted to help me fix it...Oh yeah, I used to have a person like that in my life, until I got replaced. Not that I'm bitter. Nah, fuck it, I'm bitter as hell and I don't care who knows it.

I remain optimistic that I will someday be myself again and post thing that are actually interesting, insightful, and non-depresssing, rather than drag down the very people that I care about most.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 16:04:44 GMT

So this Spring Break has been a bust. I've managed to do NOTHING fun over break, mostly thanks to spending 5-6 hours a day at rehearsal (including the time it takes to drive there, which is signinficant). But I'm glad we have a good show to put on. Any time not spent at rehearsal I have spent at work or working on school stuff or trying to relax in between. I'm actually looking forward to goint back to classes Monday, in no small part because I get to hang out with people I never get to hang out with, which I am totally pumped for. I can't wait until this show is over, I will have so much more time on my hands...except for workshop rehearsals...and the private dinner concert I just got roped into for one of our wealthy LTC supporters...

In any case, I'm happily detached from the main thorn in my life at the moment, and the separation is doing me good (I think). And hopefully I've moved on enough to deal with it for the rest of the semester, and the summer too (I would hate for my Rome trip to be marred by depression and anxiety).

Spring approaches!!! The warm weather and fresh air are doing me good, as I am in much higher spirits lately and overall just feeling better. I can't wait to hang out in Eden Park and spend a night sleeping on my roof under the night sky (sadly dissapointing here in Norwood, big surprise).

I hope everyone is having a good week!

"Who needs a lover? I need a friend."

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 18:58:33 GMT

Maybe it's the Spring getting to me, but I feel alive today. Music is moving me again, and not just toward more pain. I found myself composing music in the shower again (not inuendo), and it felt increbily freeing. Seeing other people hurt and neglect me helps me realize how hypocritical I can often be. It's painfully revealing, and a learning experience. I just hope some good comes from it. Wow, this post has been scatterbrained so far...

So the show is going well, my director has moved into ass-kicking mode, because we really started to stagnate last week, but it looks like we will be good to go by opening night. I'm really excited to have so many friends coming to see my show. As much as I love doing the LTC gala each year, it does suck that none of my friends can come see me in it since the tickets are $60+.

My friends mean so much to me it's ridiculous. Some would consider it bad that I am so dependent on my friends, they would call me needy or childish for not being "idependent" enough. Well that's bullshit. Saying you don't need peope close to you to be happy isn't being independent, it's a lie. Being independent means coming to grips with your own adequacies and inadequacies, your strengths as well as your shortcomings. I know, for instance, that I have a difficult time dealing with my depression, so I try to keep people around me that help me combat that. That's not weakness or neediness, its just recognition. I would be more immature if I insisted that I didn't have a problem or didn't need help from my friends. Wow, I am ADD today, this got off-topic fast. Moving on!

...now I have nothing to say...hmm...

Well, I love you all. All 3 of you that read this...

...oh yea, and I got a haircut yesterday.

Chugging along...

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:40:15 GMT

Slowly but surely moving on. It's tough, and I won't pretend it doesn't hurt (actually, I will definitely pretend it doesn't hurt, and convincingly so) but I've never been much for grieving. It's a waste of time. I realized how disconnected I have become from people I care about, and I'm looking to rectify that soon. I got so bogged down having a best friend so conveniently close to me that I forgot about reaching out to the people who have been important to me in the past, and still are now, whether they know it or not.

So, update. I am currently in 2 shows, one in Lebanon and one at XU. That, on top of work, on top of my courseload, really sucks. But I'm cutting out socialization for the most part, so I should have enough hours in the day to get half my stuff done. Looking forward to my Rome trip this summer, and hoping to apply for the Brueggeman Fellowship here at XU soon. If I get accepted, the center will help me plan a study abroad trip for me in a country of my choosing, with a research project or academic study of my own design. It's an incredible opportunity. I would probably like to go to either Germany (to study how progressive energy policies are put in place and the politics behind such a move, and subsequently bringing those ideas to American policy-making), Pakistan (to study the role of identity politics and the relationship between the public sphere and government, which seem quite disconnected in Pakistan from an outside perspective), or Nigeria (to study natural resource development with relation to globalization practices, how trans-national corporations have affected Nigerian domestic and international policies, and development of African nations in general with relation to the Millenium Development Goals)

So...that's about it.

I love you all. Especially you, Phil.

FML

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 09:01:36 GMT

So, in classic emo fashion, I'm up at 4:30 in the morning, just hours before the biggest test I've ever taken, blogging.

After a long, rigorous day of classes and rehearsal, I came home and studied intensely (with the help of a very large energy beverage) until abot 2:30. After that I crawled into bed, but I was waiting to receive confirmation that my best friend (who happens to be my ex-girlfriend) had made it safely back from St. Louis, where she was attending the Bill Nye lecture I excitedly informed her of. Which she attended. With 4 of her friends, none of whom were me because I could not go. Around 3:15 I got that confrimation, and shortly after that I was informed that she is now in a relationship. This was not a huge shock. She had been interested in the guy for a while and I was fairly certain the writing was on the wall. I had prepared myself, and frankly I didn't think it would be a big deal, because I had convinced myself that I was over her. Turns out I was wrong. The moment she told me (in too much detail about how they held hands the whole way back from St. Lous and such) I immediately felt sick. I started shaking and felt like vomitting. After a brief text conversation following, she fell asleep mid-convo and I was left to toss and turn until I decided to come blog about my feelings.

Why do I care? Our relationship was certainly not rosy when we were together. It was marred by me being dumped and taken back multiple times, told that although I was "the best guy she would ever meet" she inexplicably had more feelings for guy x, or guy y.

I've been on both sides of the breakup, I've done the breaking up and I've been the one broken up with. So I understand the feelings and the "healing" process on both sides. But I can honestly say I've never felt quite like this. And it tortures me that I can't figure out why. I've written practically an entire book on my feelings about this situation, mostly to myself, and I'm still baffled. All I know is, if she asked me today for another shot, I would probably go for it. And I hate myself for it. I think about her almost constantly, and I can't for the life of me tell you why. I get depressed when I dont see her for a day. I get jealous when I even think about her spending time with other people. And every moment I think about it I hate myself even more. I don't want to be in love with her. I don't even know if I am. Frankly, I don't know what I think that means anymore.

Why do I put so much emphasis on being in a relationship? Other people are fine with the single life, why can't I be the same? Overactive libido? No, that comes part and parcel with being a nerd I think... It's like I don't enjoy anything EXCEPT being in a relationship anymore. And frankly, I would hate knowing that even if I weren't single. I want to enjoy my life, but it makes it a lot harder when all of my close and accessible friends are in relationships, because hardly anyone has there own identity anymore, so I feel like a 3rd wheel (or 5th, or 7th, or...well I feel like an odd numbered wheel, ok?)

But aside from my feeling about her as a member of the opposite sex, as a friend, she has been a better and closer friend than anyone I've ever had. (This means no offense to any one of you, I love you all dearly.) Over the past month we have spent less and less time together as she spends more and more time on campus with her new group of friends (and now boyfriend). I guess I'm terrified that this is the straw that breaks the camels back, and we will no longer be the close friends we used to be. I used to be the one she invited to hang out with her over the summer, in columbus or at her cabin in michigan. I used to be the one she talked to about everything, big or small. We had a special friendship, maybe it was special because we had dated, I don't know, but regardless, it was special. And now I feel like all of that is lost. She was the person I put all of my trust in, confided everything in, invested all of my feelings in (romantic and otherwise), and now it feels like I've been cut off and there is no one left. That isn't a shot at any of my other friends, I know they care, and I know that I could have a better friendship with most of them if I tried harder, but at this moment I feel alone.

And now, I start from scratch again.

^^^^^Photo of my soul. No seriously, fuck "Space.com", they don't know what they are talking about.

P.S.- I know this was probably a VERY emo post, but fuck you, its my blog, I do what I want, bitch! I'm sure a lot of this might be exaggerated because I'm extremely upset right now. I promise to post about rainbows and butterflies later this week...just kidding, I'm not gay.